🤝 The Elephant in the Room: How to Gently Convince Your Partner to Try Couples Counselling
You feel strongly that your relationship needs help. You've been thinking about it, maybe even researching therapists. But there’s a major hurdle: your partner refuses to go.
This resistance is incredibly common. Your partner might feel scared, defensive, or worry that therapy means the relationship is officially over. They might even view it as a personal failure.
Taking the first step is often the hardest, but with a sensitive approach, you can reframe counselling as a positive investment in your future together.
Understand Their Resistance (It’s Usually Not About You)
Before you talk, try to understand why they’re saying no. Their reluctance often stems from fear:
"The therapist will side with you and tell me everything is my fault”
"It's going to be a stressful fight every week, and I hate conflict."
"It’s embarrassing to admit to a stranger that we're struggling."
"Counselling means we're broken, and the next step is divorce."
Knowing the source of their fear allows you to address it directly with reassurance.
3 Steps to Approach the Conversation Successfully
Your tone, timing, and language are everything. Follow these steps to maximize your chances of success:
1. Choose the Right Time and Place 🛋️
Avoid: Arguing, right before bed, or while watching TV.
Choose: A time when you are both relaxed, well-fed, and unlikely to be interrupted. Take a walk, sit down for coffee, or talk on a Sunday afternoon.
Start with Connection: Begin by genuinely expressing appreciation for your partner before transitioning to the difficult topic.
2. Reframe the Goal (It’s About the Relationship, Not Them)
The key is to shift the focus from "what is wrong with you" to "what is wrong with our communication."
Instead of saying “we need counselling because you never listen to me", trying saying "I feel like we keep getting stuck in the same arguments, and I want us to learn how to break that cycle."
Stress that the therapist is a neutral third party—a "communication coach" who will help both of you.
3. Address Their Fears Directly
Use your knowledge of their resistance to offer targeted reassurance:
Address Blame: "The counsellor isn't there to pick sides or blame you. Their job is to understand both of our perspectives and teach us new ways to talk."
Minimise Commitment: Suggest trying a "starter pack" of just three sessions. Say, "Let's commit to three sessions. If after those three, we both feel it's not helpful, we won't continue. But we owe it to ourselves to at least try."
Offer Practical Support: Offer to take on all the administrative work: "I've already found a few well-reviewed therapists in the area and I'll handle all the booking and logistics. All you have to do is show up."
đź’– A Final Reassurance: Counselling is Proactive, Not Reactive
The most successful couples don't wait until the relationship is in crisis to seek help. They view counselling as maintenance—like going to the gym or getting a dental check-up.
By suggesting couples counselling, you are showing your partner that you are committed to fighting for the relationship, not in it. This dedication is often exactly what your partner needs to see before they agree to walk through that door with you.
